For nearly 15 years, I made one mistake.
I chose the wrong role models.
In the three Big 5 firms I worked at, I was occasionally surrounded by highly successful people. Senior managers. Partners. The kind everyone admired.
A few were sharp. Intense. Ruthless. Inflexible. Sarcastic. Unempathetic. Unforgettable.
They dominated rooms. They got results. They had power.
Naturally, I admired them.
And then I started becoming them.
Same tone in meetings. Same impatience. Same intolerance for what I thought was mediocrity. Same cutting feedback.
At first, it felt right.
It felt like I was stepping into leadership.
It wasn’t.
It was the beginning of a long, slow mistake.
Over time:
- I lost promotions
- Colleagues avoided working with me
- I was respected for competence but not liked
- Even after I co-founded and ran my company, the respect I got from students wasn’t shared internally
That gap took me years to understand.
It took blunt feedback from co-founders and colleagues. It took serious introspection.
And it took about 15 years to undo what I had copied.
The strange part?
I had also worked with leaders who were calm, thoughtful and respected.
But I didn’t become like them.
That never rubbed off.
You Don’t Copy Success. You Copy Behaviour.
Nobody teaches you how to behave in power.
You infer it.
Albert Bandura’s work on social learning explains this clearly. We learn by observing people who appear to succeed.
Your boss is the most visible example of success around you.
So your brain makes a shortcut:
“This works.”
And then you absorb:
- Their tone
- Their reactions
- Their decision style
- Their way of dealing with people
You don’t evaluate it.
You internalise it.
Visibility Beats Effectiveness
Here’s the problem.
You don’t copy what works.
You copy what stands out.
In most senior leaders, what stands out is not judgment or restraint.
It is:
- Sharp language
- Impatience
- Public criticism
- Emotional distance
These are high-signal behaviours.
They are easy to see. Easy to remember. Easy to imitate.
Calm thinking is invisible.
Listening is invisible.
Restraint is invisible.
So even if those are the real drivers of effectiveness, they don’t get copied.
You Are Borrowing Power You Don’t Have
There is another layer most people miss.
Behaviour is interpreted differently depending on who you are.
At the top, directness is seen as clarity.
In the middle, the same behaviour is seen as aggression.
At their level, it can work.
At yours, it creates resistance.
So you end up copying behaviour that only works when backed by position.
Without that backing, it isolates you.
Why It Works for Them, But Not for You
This is the part most people miss.
The behaviour you copied did work.
Just not for the reasons you think.
Some leaders can get away with being:
- Abrasive
- Intimidating
- Emotionally distant
Because they are backed by things you don’t see clearly.
For example:
- A long track record of results
- Deep technical authority that few can challenge
- Strong political backing inside the organisation
- Scarcity value. They are hard to replace
- Cultural context where hierarchy is accepted or expected
In those conditions, behaviour is tolerated.
Sometimes even rewarded.
But you copied the surface.
Not the foundation.
So when you behave the same way, people don’t see authority.
They see overreach.
This is why two people can act identically and get completely different outcomes.
One is seen as decisive.
The other is seen as difficult.
One is respected.
The other is avoided.
The difference is not behaviour alone.
It is context, credibility, and position.
Most professionals ignore this.
They assume: “If it worked for them, it will work for me.”
It won’t.
Because you are not operating with the same leverage.
And until you understand that, you will keep copying signals that don’t belong to you.
The Drift Is Subtle
Careers don’t collapse because of this.
They drift.
You start hearing things like:
- “Very capable, but…”
- “Not easy to work with”
- “Strong technically, needs to mature”
Nothing explicit.
But decisions start shifting.
You get:
- Fewer high-trust assignments
- Less exposure to senior stakeholders
- Teams that comply but don’t engage
You respond by pushing harder.
Which makes it worse.
Why the Better Leaders Don’t Shape You
You did see better examples.
So why didn’t they influence you?
Because they don’t trigger your attention.
They don’t dominate conversations.
They don’t create emotional spikes.
They don’t perform authority.
They operate quietly.
And your brain is not wired to imitate subtlety. It is wired to imitate intensity.
When Behaviour Becomes Identity
After a few years, this stops feeling like imitation.
It feels like you.
You start describing yourself in certain ways:
- Direct
- No-nonsense
- High standards
These labels protect the behaviour.
They make it harder to question.
So when feedback comes, you don’t examine it.
You defend it.
At that point, the behaviour is no longer a habit.
It is part of your identity.
And identity is harder to change than skill.
The Correction Most People Avoid
Fixing this is not about becoming softer.
It is about becoming more precise.
You don’t need to lose standards.
You need to remove unnecessary friction.
That requires three uncomfortable shifts:
First, separating outcomes from personality
Just because someone wins does not mean their personality caused it
Second, treating behaviour as adjustable
Not fixed. Not “who you are.” Something you can change deliberately
Third, accepting that perception matters
Leadership is not what you intend
It is what others experience
Most professionals resist at least one of these.
That’s why change takes years instead of months.
Where This Starts Showing Up (Before You Notice It)
You won’t get a warning.
No one tells you directly.
Instead, you’ll see patterns:
- You are trusted to execute, but not to represent
- People give you updates, not opinions
- Your presence reduces debate instead of improving it
- Strong performers avoid reporting into you
- Feedback becomes vague, then disappears
None of this looks dramatic.
But it compounds.
The Real Cost
This is not about being liked.
It’s about access.
Access to:
- Information
- Informal influence
- Early signals
- Honest disagreement
- Sponsorship
When people don’t feel safe engaging with you, they don’t confront you.
They work around you.
And once that happens, your growth slows without any visible reason.
What Actually Changes This
Not insight.
Not reading.
Not deciding to “be better.”
Those don’t survive pressure.
What works is deliberate behavioural correction:
- Identifying patterns in how you show up
- Understanding where they break down
- Replacing them with alternatives that still maintain standards
- Practicing them in real situations, repeatedly
This is not abstract work.
It is specific and uncomfortable.
That’s why most people don’t do it properly.
If You Want to Work on This
This is exactly the layer I work on with senior professionals and leadership teams.
Not personality.
Not theory.
Behaviour.
Specifically:
- What you are doing that limits your effectiveness
- Where it is costing you access and influence
- What needs to change
- How to change it without losing your edge
If you are at a stage where competence is no longer the issue, but something is still not working, this is usually where the answer is.
Reach out if you want to work through it properly.