After five decades of observing human behavior, I’ve realized something stubborn but simple. People only stick with a change when it aligns with their deeply held personal values. Not what their boss wants. Not what their parents taught. What they truly value.
That insight didn’t arrive early for me. It landed late, like most important lessons in life.
I was a finance director, living the supposed dream-power suits, travel, hi profile meetings, titles etc. But the dream slowly curdled into disillusionment.
Politics, micromanagement, corruption, and soul-sucking stress made me question everything. It was only after leaving the corporate world that I finally confronted this blunt question: What actually matters to me?
That’s when my real values surfaced: authenticity, freedom, respect, meaningful work, and well-being. And I’ve found that when change aligns with these, it sticks. When it doesn’t, it evaporates faster than corporate promises during bonus season.
Change That Lasts Is Selfish—in a Good Way
If you want to start reading regularly, eating clean, working out, or finally seeing a therapist, it won’t last unless it feels connected to something you deeply care about.
I’ve coached senior professionals who keep saying, “I need to lose weight” or “I should be more present at home.”
But the truth? “Should” never changed anyone’s life. Only want does. And that “want” has to come from their personal value system-not a podcast, bestselling book, LinkedIn influencer or a TED Talk.
What the Science Says (Yes, I Read the Boring Stuff So You Don’t Have To)
- Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan)
Change works best when driven by autonomy and inner motivation. Not rewards. Not threats. Not nagging spouses. - Motivational Interviewing (Miller & Rollnick)
Technique that helps people find their own reasons to change. Works better than giving them a lecture or forwarding them fitness reels. - Self-Concordance Theory (Sheldon & Elliot)
People stick with goals that feel personally meaningful. You don’t need willpower to pursue something that feels right deep down. - Cognitive Dissonance (Festinger)
When your actions clash with your values, your brain starts sweating. That discomfort either changes your behavior or convinces you that six beers a night is “just socializing.”
Do Values Actually Change?
Here’s where it gets really interesting. And it is something a few of my coaching clients have asked me.
Some people say values never change, only their priority shifts. That’s often true. But sometimes people truly discard and replace old values, especially after a major life event or prolonged inner unrest.
For example, I used to value career success and external approval without even realizing it. Then I entered the snake pit of corporate dysfunction. Watching grown men play power games and waste time in fake meetings made me rethink everything. Slowly, authenticity and meaningful work replaced image and status.
So yes, values can change. But more often, they just rearrange themselves, like passengers switching seats during turbulence.
Five Ways People Actually Shift Their Values
- Pain, Discomfort, or Crisis
Real change often starts with discomfort. A bad boss, a failed project, or an exhausted body can become the crack in the dam. - Role Models and Exposure
Seeing someone live a different life (healthy, honest, or free) can make you question your current one. - Reflection and Introspection
Journaling, retreats, coaching, or even solo travel can surface truths you’ve ignored for years. - Small Wins and Identity Shifts
You read 10 pages daily for a month, feel smarter, and suddenly you identify as “a reader.” The action creates the new value. - Environmental Change
New job. New city. New friends. A change in context often triggers a change in what matters.
The Coaching Lens
As a coach, I’ve learned not to push people into goals that aren’t anchored in their values.
Before we talk habit or discipline, I ask:
- What does freedom mean to you?
- When did you last feel respected?
- What kind of work would make you proud, even if no one applauded?
Once we uncover those core drivers, the rest becomes tactical. If your change isn’t rooted in your values, it will collapse. If it is, it becomes a part of you.
My Values, Now Crystal Clear
After years of coaching and introspection, here are my five core values:
Authenticity – I say what I mean and mean what I say.
Freedom – I choose my work, my words, and my people.
Respect – For myself, for others, and for time.
Meaningful Work – Life’s too short for pointless tasks and fake conversations.
Well-being – Physical and mental health are non-negotiable.
These didn’t show up on a vision board. They emerged slowly, through reflection, disillusionment, and honest feedback from life itself.
How You Can Start Changing Too
Here’s a practical, bullshit-free playbook:
- Get Uncomfortable on Purpose
Audit your current values by looking at your calendar, your bank statement, and your screen time. The gap will hurt. Good. - Hang Around Better Values
Join a book club. Go hiking with healthy folk. Follow someone on LinkedIn who actually posts value-driven content. - Reflect Weekly
Just 30 minutes. Ask yourself: What drained me this week? What gave me energy? Why? - Bank Small Wins
Read 5 pages, walk 15 minutes, sleep 30 mins earlier, skip the sugar in your tea, climb two flights of stairs instead of taking the lift. These add up. Success builds new self-respect. - Use a Coach or an Accountability Buddy
Change is lonely. Having someone ask “Did you actually do it?” works wonders. Coaching doesn’t mean handholding. It means having someone who holds up a mirror without flattery or fluff.
Why Most People Stay Stuck
Many people live by inherited values passed down by family, religion, or culture. These values worked for someone else. Not necessarily for you.
Unless you confront them and choose consciously, you’ll keep chasing goals that don’t nourish you. You’ll keep wondering why gym memberships go unused and books gather dust.
Change doesn’t stick because the reason behind the change was never really yours.
Final Word
Lasting change is not about discipline or willpower. It’s about alignment. When your actions match your values, effort feels energizing. When they don’t, even small tasks feel like a grind.
So don’t start with “What should I do?” Start with “What do I truly value?” And if you don’t like the answer, don’t panic. You can change that too- slowly, consciously, and with support.
And if you need someone who’s been through the fire and lived to coach others out of it, well… you know where to find me.
