If you think you’ve got “your own values,” I’ve got news for you.
You don’t.
You’ve been running on second-hand software since birth, patched occasionally by a motivational speaker and a LinkedIn post about “integrity.”
I’ve spent years coaching people to “discover their values.” Sounds noble, right? Makes me sound like a wise coach guiding lost souls to their inner compass. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: almost nobody has their own values.
What you think are your values- respect elders, family first, sacrifice for others, humility- are not yours. They were downloaded into you from your parents, religion, school, and society. By the time you turned 20, you were fully programmed and thought you were choosing freely. You weren’t.
Why Most Values Are Borrowed
From day one, you’re marinated in rules:
- Family says: “Never argue with elders. Do what’s expected.”
- Tradition says: “Follow rituals or you’re doomed.”
- Society says: “Don’t bring shame. Don’t rock the boat.”
- School says: “Get top marks. Don’t ask stupid questions.”
By adulthood, you’re convinced these hand-me-downs are your deepest principles. It’s like inheriting your grandfather’s polyester trousers and calling them your personal style.
Even when people say, “I chose my own path,” most of the time they just swapped one borrowed value for another. They read a best-seller on empathy or see a TED Talk about servant leadership and copy-paste it into their personality.
That’s not discovery. That’s rebranding.
Why Discovering Values Feels Fake
Most people treat “discovering values” like a shopping trip.
- They pick words that sound noble: honesty, respect, kindness.
- They write them down in a workshop because HR said so.
- They post them online next to a photo of them hiking or smiling with a latte.
Then reality hits. Boss tells them to fudge a report. Father-in-law demands they sacrifice career for family. Friend asks for a cover-up. Suddenly those “values” vanish faster than your bonus during appraisal.
If a value can’t survive when it costs you something, it’s not your value. It’s just wallpaper.
How True Values Are Born
If you really want your values, not society’s, you’ll have to do something that I tell my coaching clients to do (and which most people never do):
- Question everything.
Take every belief you hold dear and interrogate it like a suspect. Ask: “Is this mine, or did someone plant this in me?” Assume every answer you’ve inherited is suspect. - Live through conflict.
Values aren’t discovered in a retreat with scented candles. They’re revealed when you’re cornered. You only know you value truth when you refuse to lie and pay the price. You only know you value freedom when you walk away from a suffocating job despite the pay and status. - Burn the inherited junk.
This is where most people chicken out. Ditching cultural defaults feels like betraying your parents, religion, community. That’s why so few do it. But if you can’t dump values that make you miserable, you’re just society’s obedient puppet with a fancier title.Example: “Respect elders.” Sounds great. Until you’ve dealt with abusive, corrupt seniors. If you’re willing to throw that rule out and replace it with “I respect integrity, not age,” you’ve just authored a value. That one’s yours.
You Can’t Escape Influence, But You Can Choose
Let’s be real: you’ll never be 100% free of society. Even the most rebellious person is shaped by culture. The difference is whether you sleepwalk through it or consciously choose.
- A borrowed value says, “I must obey because everyone does.”
- A self-authored value says, “I’ve looked at this from every angle, paid the price of breaking it, and decided this is mine.”
That last part- being willing to stand alone, lose comfort, reputation, and money- that’s what separates someone with their own values from the rest.
It’s rare anywhere. In India, it’s almost revolutionary.
Why I Still Tell People to “Discover Their Values”
Because most people haven’t even started questioning.
They think they value loyalty until asked to cover up corruption.
They think they value honesty until it risks losing a promotion.
They think they value freedom until their spouse or parents pull the strings.
Discovery isn’t about making a list. It’s about noticing what you actually do when life slaps you.
I’ve worked with dozens of executives. I can’t tell you how many times someone has declared, “I value integrity.” A month later, they’re twisting numbers to please their boss. They didn’t value integrity. They valued keeping their chair.
Values aren’t what you write down. They’re what you’re willing to suffer for.
The Ugly Truth About Culture
Indian culture in particular makes this worse.
From the moment you’re born, you’re taught to seek approval. Log kya kahenge (translation- what will people think) is the national anthem. Schools churn out compliant test-takers, not independent thinkers. Families crush individuality in the name of harmony.
When you live like this long enough, you don’t even know you’re conditioned. You think you value “family first.” Maybe you don’t. Maybe you value authenticity but were too scared to say it out loud. Maybe you value independence but learned to hide it under fake obedience.
The Cost of Self-Authored Values
If you want to own your values, be ready to:
- Lose friends and family who only loved the fake version of you.
- Walk away from jobs that pay well but demand you betray yourself.
- Face elders who will label you arrogant or ungrateful.
- Spend long stretches feeling isolated and misunderstood.
That’s the toll. Most people aren’t ready to pay it. Which is why most die with the same values they were spoon-fed at five.
Why It’s Worth It
Because once you burn through the hand-me-downs and rebuild from scratch, life changes:
- You stop living in fear of social approval.
- Decisions get simpler because you know exactly what you’ll never compromise on.
- You attract people and opportunities that actually fit you, not the fake persona you’ve been wearing.
- You can look in the mirror without flinching because, finally, you’re running on your own code.
The Hard Road to Freedom
So yes, most values are borrowed.
But they don’t have to stay that way. If you’re willing to smash the defaults, suffer the fallout, and standalone long enough to rewrite your own script, you’ll end up with something rare:
Values that are truly yours.
And when the whole world tells you you’re wrong, you’ll smile- because for the first time in your life, you’ll know you’re right.