Why you copy the bad habits of bosses (and what you can do about it)

Many years ago, I had two bosses I admired.

Sharp as a razor. Charismatic. Wickedly funny. They could out-think a room and out-snark it too. Arrogant? Definitely. Empathetic? Not even on their best day.

Guess what happened next?

I became just like them. Sarcastic, blunt, borderline arrogant- and completely blind to it.

I wasn’t born like that. I didn’t take a course in “How to Lead Like a Jerk.” I simply absorbed their style like secondhand smoke. Because that’s how modeling works. Especially when you’re young, impressionable, and desperate to prove yourself.

The twist? These weren’t bad people. They were smart. They got results. And I genuinely admired them. But as time passed, I realized I had copied the wrong parts.

Turns out, it’s easier to imitate someone’s flaws than their virtues.

Why We Imitate Bad Bosses (Even When We Know Better)

Let’s get nerdy for a minute.

According to social learning theory (Bandura, 1977), we learn by observing others especially authority figures. When we’re early in our careers, we’re not just learning Excel shortcuts or how to draft emails without sounding needy.

We’re learning how to behave. We’re absorbing tone, body language, reactions to stress, and how to treat people.

And unfortunately, our brains are wired to notice and internalize power signals. When a boss rolls their eyes at a colleague and gets away with it, our subconscious stores that moment: “Aha. That’s how you assert dominance.”

Throw in some stress, office politics, and performance pressure and boom. You’ve got yourself a fresh batch of junior leaders behaving like mini tyrants, wrapped in tailored suits.

When Are You Most Likely to Be Infected?

1. Early in your career
   You’re a sponge. Wide-eyed. Insecure. Hungry to impress. You latch onto power models without much discrimination.
2. In toxic environments
   When survival > authenticity, you pick up the behaviors that seem to protect people. If arrogance works, you copy arrogance.
3. When the boss is brilliant
   Intelligence dazzles. We forgive flaws in smart people. But brilliance doesn’t excuse bad behavior. And worse- it makes it easier to idolize and imitate them.
4. When there’s no feedback culture
   If nobody tells you you’re being a jerk (because fear or apathy), you just keep going. You assume silence = approval.

How to Know You’ve Picked Up Their Bad Habits

You probably won’t notice it yourself. Because self-awareness is hard.

Here’s what to look for:

• People laugh at your jokes, but never relax around you
• Juniors do the task but never ask for your help again
• You secretly feel proud of being “tough” or “no-nonsense”
• You say “I’m just being honest” a lot, but everyone looks uncomfortable
• You give feedback that’s sharp, accurate- and spirit-crushing
• A trusted colleague hints that you’re “too blunt” or “not very warm”

If two or more of these ring a bell, you’re not just driven- you’ve become difficult.

“We are like chameleons. We take our hue and the color of our moral character from those who are around us”
– John Locke

Why It’s Easier to Copy the Bad Stuff

Here’s the paradox: The bad habits of good leaders are more visible, more repeatable, and more rewarded in the short term.

• Sarcasm? Gets laughs.
• Arrogance? Mistaken for confidence.
• Impatience? Mistaken for urgency.
• Withholding praise? Seen as “raising standards.”

Meanwhile, the good stuff (like patience, empathy, active listening) requires effort. It’s slow. It doesn’t get you immediate applause. And it’s harder to mimic because it’s subtle.

I mean, how do you copy “quiet presence”? Or “humble confidence”? It doesn’t trend on LinkedIn.

So we take the shortcut. We copy the swagger and skip the soul.

How I Finally Changed

It took one person. Someone I respected. Someone with the guts to tell me: “You’re smart, but you’re draining people. You think you’re inspiring but you’re actually just scaring and exhausting them.”

That hit hard. But it was true.

I reflected. I sought feedback. I watched myself like a hawk. I started asking questions instead of issuing commands. I became curious about people instead of just focused on performance.

It wasn’t overnight (the change started happening 16 years after my first exposure to a successful boss with some bad habits). But the shift was real. And deep.

How You Can Break the Cycle

1. Audit your influences
   Make a list of bosses you’ve had. Write down their strengths and their flaws. Then ask: which ones have you unconsciously adopted?
2. Ask for feedback
   From peers, not just subordinates. Use phrases like:
   “I want to make sure I’m not shutting people down. Be honest- do I come across too sharp?”
3. Separate effectiveness from behavior
   Just because someone got things done doesn’t mean their methods were healthy. Look beyond results. Look at impact on people.
4. Watch your language
   Do you interrupt often? Use sarcasm as a weapon? Speak in absolutes? These are signs of control, not leadership.
5. Invest in coaching
   You can’t see your blind spots alone. A good coach will challenge you without deflating you. They’ll help you lead from values, not from habits.

What’s the Point of All This?

Because at some point, you have to stop blaming your old bosses. You stop saying, “Well, that’s how I was trained.” And you start asking, “Is this who I really want to be?”

Leadership is not a hand-me-down jacket. It’s a conscious choice.

If you’ve accidentally become a mirror of someone you once respected, don’t panic. You’re not broken. You’re just overdue for a reset.

And if you need someone to hold the mirror up without sugarcoating or fluff; I do that for a living. My coaching isn’t for everyone. It’s for those who are bold enough to change, sharp enough to introspect, and brave enough to lead with intention.

Ready to ditch the borrowed armor and lead on your own terms?

Let’s talk.